Flaws and Turn-outs

"Flaws and Turn-outs"

There are still some things that I regret for not stopping. Even now, the guilt still threatens to consume me, but each time, before it takes over, she takes me out of it and leads me back into the world with her love. With just her smile, she makes me want to forget the past, as if it hadn't taken place.

+ - + - + - + - +

The feeling that runs through my mind and soul is unbearable.

Even though people say that there wasn't anything I could do to prevent it, I knew in my heart, that I had once had the chance, but I didn't take it.

If I had stopped her from going, then it wouldn't have turned out this way.

Now all I can resort to is to sit alone in my room, cursing…yelling…asking myself why I had let her go like that…

She had asked me once what I wanted, and even though my heart cries out for her, all I did was look her in the eye and say, "I'm fine."

I knew when she was walking away; there were tears in her eyes. I didn't have to turn and look, because I knew her that much.

Just like on her wedding day. Even though she was smiling, I knew that she was faking. When it was her turn to say, "I do" I saw her looking at me, I could see the plea in her eyes, wanting me to just shake my head. But instead, I turned away, leaving her no choice.

While watching her walk down the aisle, arm linked with the man she would share her future with, my heart throbbed and I could feel it start to crack and piece by piece fall apart.

Why was I feeling like this? Because I wanted to be the one to be at her side, yet I wasn't.

Why; because I was afraid.

That night, coming home to my solitude home, I looked around with dull eyes. The broken glass was still there. The welcoming aura was no longer there. All that was, were the remnants of the past.

Flashes of the times we had spent here; laughing, joking, fighting, doing the silliest things, came rushing into my mind as my heart, yet again, yearned for her once more.

The warmness of the room was gone because she left.

No, because I didn't stop her.

I knew what she wanted, and yet I still let her go, all because I thought I couldn't make her happy.

To my account, I wouldn't have cared if her brother had sent a million threats to me, or if we would go poor. No, I was worried that I wouldn't be able to make her happy.

I guessed I had been too occupied by my theories to not heed to her callings when she cried out to me…

"What are you waiting for? What are you afraid of?! Don't make me wait forever!"

It was then that everything ended. She left with a slam of the door and I stood, chest still heaving heavily, glaring at the broken picture frame on the ground.

2 years later she comes and tells me she's engaged. My heart nearly stops completely. I wanted to shout out, "NO!" But…I didn't. Now because of my stupid choice, I'm left with nothing but an empty heart.

+ - + - + - + - +

4 years since then and I may be still be the same man on the outside, but inside, there's a nothing but an abyss of blackness.

I saw her today.

She was leading in her hand a small child. I came to know that her name was Katchi. The girl looked exactly like her mother. The same dark ebony hair, eyes the color of the setting sun, and form similar to an angel.

When I asked the small girl how she was doing, her only reply was taking hold of her mother's dress and hiding behind the veil of soft blue fabric.

I chuckled to myself as I recalled doing that myself when I first met her mother.

I was a rather shy boy that always clung to my mother, but after the incident, I knew I had to become strong. And she helped me through a lot of it.

I looked back into her eyes. They were tired, sad eyes, no longer showing signs of life. There were dark circles under them, contrasting with her pale skin.

My heart tightens as I take in the image of what she has become these past years. I asked her what was wrong and she looked at me hesitantly, then turning to daughter, she told her to go find her uncle.

Once the girl left, she turned back to me and told me her story.

After she finished, all I could do was stare at her. My hands felt frozen and my heart; beating fast as I recalled what she had told me.

All I could say was, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to for this to happen. All I wanted was for you to be happy."

Then her tired eyes turned fierce as I felt a burning sting make contact with my skin. "Happy?! Do I look happy?! How can you say that?! Do you even know what you put me through?!" she asked. I didn't look at her.

"Answer me! Why won't you answer me?! D-don't…don't make me wait forever…"

When I finally looked back at her, I saw tears cascading down her cheeks as her hands were held close to her chest, her small figure shaking.

Then I did something that surprised even my self, I knew it surprised her as well, but she didn't push away.

We stood there in silence, her enveloped in my arms.

The closeness of her, soothed my ragged soul just enough to bring me just a small piece of joy back, but that quickly disintegrated when I recalled the dreadful things I had put her through.

Then I felt a soft tug on my shirt. I looked down into a pair of deep violet eyes as I heard words that caught my breath.

"Does this mean I'll have a daddy now?"

I felt her back away from me as she looked down at her small daughter, eyes wide with surprise.

Taking this as my chance, I took her hands in mine and looked her straight in the eyes. And just like river pouring into the ocean, I spoke all I had kept from her; why I didn't stop her when she left, my rejection when she looked at me pleadingly to say no, the reason for it all.

When I finished, I heard small hiccups from her small body and I panicked. I clutched her fragile shoulders tightly as I kept saying 'I'm sorry' over and over again.

I was on my knees by then, unable to look her in the eyes, I felt the fear of losing her again overwhelm me as tears came to my eyes.

But then I felt soft hands lifting my head up and what I saw and heard nearly stopped my heart for the umpteenth time that day.

"You're so stupid…you know I love you…" I was looking into tear-filled eyes, yet a smiling face as I heard the words leave her mouth.

It wasn't until much later that I had found out that her brother had been standing there the whole time.

That sneaky man…

+ - + - + - + - +

20 years now since that day and we've been married.

I would say that I'm a very fortunate man considering the things that have happened in the past.

Our three children have grown up to be brilliant young people of the world.

Even though she was not fully related to her younger brother and sister, Katchi played a very important role as a strong older sister, taking after her mother for that part. I am proud of her just like any father in the world.

Seeing her grow up to become a beautiful and brilliant woman like her mother brought unconditional joy to my heart.

The love that I have for my family is as strong as the pull of the moon to the ocean.

Flaws have happened in the past and yes, I still regret for it to have happened as so, but in the end, I am satisfied with my life.

And I am more than content to have her here in my arms again.